Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Anniversary No. 1

It's been more than 3-months since my last post. Sorry about that. I would like to say that I have been busy, but only part of that is the truth. Yes, I've been doing some things, but the majority of my reason for staying away was pain-related. The PC has become an unfriendly zone at present, and as such, I have to use it sparingly.

That said...I have thought of many things I want to share during this time. I have notes about those thoughts, so beware. There's more to come. But today's topic is something else....

September 29, 2009 was the day that changed my life forever. I mean, ok. So I’ve said that before about other days when relatively significant events occurred. But none compare to this day.

I woke up this morning not sure how I felt. Was I excited, like I feel when it’s my birthday? No…it’s not that one. I’m not getting any presents, so yeah…definitely not excited. How about sad? Do I feel sad (I cringed as I thought about it because I honestly didn’t need another sad day…I’ve had enough of those)? But nope…definitely not sad. Hmmm…

Perhaps I’m angry? I mean, maybe it’s not at the surface (yet) but what happened a year ago today hasn’t been a picnic, and as sure as you’re born has sucked out loud when I think about how my body shape has changed and what I cannot do. So do I feel mad today? Mmmmm…I guess not. I just can’t bring myself to say yes to that question.

Well, Crimeny then! I’m running out. How do I feel today…freaked out? Is this going to be a day filled with flashbacks that won’t go away (oh Lord, please no)?

Why can’t I figure out how I feel today?? Ugh.

The truth is that I don’t know.

Maybe it’s because one year ago at this exact time I couldn’t feel anything specific. My emotions were everywhere. I was frustrated that I couldn’t move. I was puzzled because I could see the deep cuts in the fingers of my left hand but couldn’t move them on my own…yet nothing hurt. I couldn't connect the dots was all too weird.

I was panicking because it was hard to breathe with my knees crushing against my chest. I was maintaining a sense of calm so that I would continue to breathe until I was freed. I was angry because I was in the middle of nowhere and help took forever to get there, and once they were there, it took what felt like another century for them to cut me free.

I also felt relief and happiness that morning. I can remember feeling so happy to see the big yellow hat of the rescue worker, and the rush of relief that came over me when they freed me.

It’s an interesting look back. And I think this is why I don’t feel anything in particular this morning. Probably the most accurate description of me at this time is pensive or musing. I believe that I am in a place (mentally) that wants me to reflect.

And so I will…

No comments:

Post a Comment