Monday, May 3, 2010

A Vacation From Myself

It's been a few days since I made my last post. I have been feeling guilty about it, if you can believe it. Part of that is my overachiever personality, and another part is my deep desire to continue on with this project. But y'all know that you when you need a break, you need a break.

Writing about the accident really took it out of me, as I am sure you all can understand. Re-living any type of tragedy is tough business, even if you talk about it all day long. It was still something that you went through. Something that you will always remember first-handedly. And sometimes something that you cannot escape when you close your eyes.

The latter is where I have been for the last few days to be perfectly honest. I suppose that's ok. After all, this project is designed to help me to come to grips with my survival, and I figure part of that process has to include coming to grips with what actually took place and the resulting effects.

I stayed away from driving for a bit, and even yesterday, when I finally said to myself, "Enough already!", I still was a bit freaked out on the country roads we took on our drive (we=the dog, mom, and I). It was the first time I was a bit freaked out while I drove, and that realization...that I did actually have some issues with driving again...freaked me out even more. Uhhhh...yeah. That's just great. Something else to get over.

I also have had a rough time watching some of the TV shows I like to watch. Things like the Travel Channel have been ridiculously painful over the last few days, and for very simple reasons. Mourning and jealousy. I see people frolicking in the waves at the beach, swimming in a pool, playing Frisbee at the beach or park, walking along the Las Vegas Strip or some ancient ruins site. I see these things, and I can't even begin to fight the tears that come.

I can't even stop the ones that are falling right now.

I am so angry that this happened to me. I am so heartbroken that can't do any of the things I sit and watch these people do without a second thought...things that I used to do without a second thought. And it's hard to admit to myself that I didn't appreciate having the ability to do such things as much as I should have...things that I would give anything to do now...even for 5 minutes. To be free from my disabled body for even 5 minutes would be something I would give the proverbial "anything" to have.

I drove past an equestrian farm yesterday and realized that I can never ride a horse again. Its too dangerous for me because I can't risk falling off even once. And suddenly, because I cannot have it, that's all I want to do.


Perhaps I have simply been in the house for too long. After all, I am not used to the cold and being inside for months...I have not lived in the Northeast for a long time, that being a chief reason why. Adding to that my inability to move freely inside the house, and I can understand my frustration...intellectually anyway. I wish I could somehow get my heart to understand so that it would stop longing for something that cannot and will not come just because we want it so badly.

It is a hard thing to not lament the loss of my mobile freedom, even if it is supposed to be temporary (that's temporary as in 2-years or so, just to be clear...and I will from now on have "conditions"). I worry that I am feeling sorry for myself because I truly have endeavored to not be that person through all of this. I saw people in the hospital who had no hope. Their condition was contagious too, and I couldn't be around them without trying to cheer them up, mostly for fear that they might bring me down and I would never get up again. I have been quite focused on the positive since Day #1. 

But put that resolve to stay positive in a body that hurts every day, sometimes non-stop and unnervingly fierce, and you might find that after 7-months, the resolve starts to thin a bit. I'm not saying that I am backing down, quitting, whatever you would call it. Never. I guess I am just saying that I need a vacation.

Yes, I need a vacation from myself. I need a vacation from my house, my kitchen, my room (most definitely my room...a place that I truly love to be but has started to feel like a prison cell). I need a vacation from my everyday fight to be positive while I ache and hurt. I need a vacation that takes me from watching the Travel Channel to being somewhere on the Travel Channel (or similar anyway--I'm not Henry Big-Bucks who can afford the 5-diamond resort in the Caribbean).

I always find moments of realization like this intriguing. The term divine intervention frequently comes to mind, though it really doesn't have significance here...or at least I don't think so.

I mean, here I am in the throes of a mental breakdown (ok so not really...not even close. I mean, I have good reason to feel the way I feel, but this is certainly a low-point in all my time dealing with this), and I find myself in true need of a vacation. Not just wanting to go...some random thought that it might be nice to change the scene...a thought I have all the time but never act upon. No. This is different. Its clear that I need a vacation.

So why not? Why not head for the beach and kick it in a lounger for a few days? know what? I think I will.